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PUNS OF THE DAY10-01-09
PUNS
Michael, who is blind. At one point, a group came on
stage—all
festooned in toilet paper--and began singing about being
in distress
and not being able to find the john. When I described
the scene to
Bob, he called up to the people on stage: "I see
you guys have some
new sheet Music."
A handlebar mustache may look ridiculous, but
symmetrical eyelashes
are even cilia.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on
the ice in
Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a
known fact that
the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an
extremely
ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed
to its family
and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.. If a
penguin is found
dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and
social circle
have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings
and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead
bird to be
rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in
a circle
around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly
good fellow." Then
they kick him in the ice hole.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish
mother on the
street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three
days." "Force
yourself," she replied. (Cynthia MacGregor)
The chimney sweep crouched down in the fireplace and
peered up the
chimney. "Looks like this one hasn't been touched
in about eighty
years! I'm not sure, but I'll give it my best flue shot."
(Bob Dvorak)
Man works in a hardware store, and all of a sudden one
day, a whole
lot of tins of paint fall on him. Of course, he's
whisked off to
hospital where they manage to clean him up physically,
but mentally
there's some definite scarring. It was such an unusual
case that the
psychologist, treating the victim, called it by a
brand-new term -
Post-chromatic Stress Disorder. (By Leonie Edge)
A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after
he used it in
a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out
the
authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.
OTHER HUMOR
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right and the
other is usually the husband.
The minister was exhausted as he started planning his
afternoon. He
decided he had better take a nap before he canvassed the
congregation
about their thoughts on a new organ and then performed
the Smedley
wedding. thus his schedule read, peter, poll and marry.
"I think as a Congressman I'm entitled to free
mail," said Tom frankly.
"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"
"Sure, I found Jill lying
face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and
promised her
that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new
life and I'd
never allow her near the gutter again." "Wow,
I hope she appreciates
what you did for her." "Not really. Jill hated
to give up bowling."
Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer
who said, "Do
you realize that every time I take a breath, 10,000
people on this
planet die?" Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try
cloves?"
My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an
insurance
salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a
lengthy account of
recent litigation involving himself. Since two other
guests were
lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. "In
the end," the
salesman concluded, "you know who got all the
money." I cringed. "The
lawyers!" he shouted. There was embarrassed silence
at the table. My
heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said,
"Oh, I love a
story with a happy ending." (By Jane Ghegan)
One day this mechanic was working late under a car and
some brake
fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't
too bad tasting"
he thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting the
brake fluid.
"Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a
little more today." His friend
got a little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day
he told about
drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great
stuff! Think I'll have
some more today." And so he did. A few days later
he was up to a
bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid
is really great
stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You
know that brake fluid
is poison and really bad for you. You better stop
drinking that
stuff." "Hey, no problem," he said, ...
"I can stop any time.
Sudafed: bringing litigation against a government
official
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The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care
While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with a friend the other day, I think we found a solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
So here's the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you won't have to pay any income tax. You also won't need that expensive burglar alarm system to protect you from people breaking into your place ... you will now have personal armed protection 24 hours around the clock! You want more than four bullets?
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