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I Love this Doctor
Food for thought ... and body! Hire this doctor!!!
Bet this doctor has lots of patients!!!
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car
by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so
you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
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Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba.
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