PUNS OF THE DAY 09-24-09
PUNS
A Paris prostitute was introduced to a green liqueur by one of her
clients and rapidly became addicted to it. Over the next few weeks she
noticed that she no longer needed to bleach her hair as it was
becoming naturally lighter. Why did this occur? Because Absinthe makes
the tart go blonder. (Stan Kegel)
Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way
During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered
which, when put on a rag or piece of cloth, would change its shade
depending on the intensity of the sun. This enabled the people to tell
the time of day. Of course, one of these dye-soaked materials was
presented to the King. He wore it proudly, tied around his head. And
that is the origin of Alexander's ragtime band. (John S. Crosbie)
Members of an Eastern religion pay for their sins by beating
themselves with small, triangular flags. It is their way of doing
pennants.
In 1975, the CIA got President Thieu out of Vietnam and put him up at
an apartment in Paris where they had formerly housed Argentina's
deposed president, Juan Peron. Fortunately for the CIA's budget, the
rent for the apartment had not increased since Peron had been there.
In fact, Thieu could live as cheaply as Juan! (John S. Crosbie)
As a golfer you have to have good fore-sight.
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly
woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of
Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going
to split. "Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear
that. And, they've been together for so long, too."
EASL: "Do you like this food? I made it from scratching."
We were sitting in the conference room discussing corporate growth
strategy. I sat across the conference table from the Operations
Manager, Max DeWitt, as the discussions grew, simultaneously, more
outlandish and more divisive. Max raised a hand to eyebrow level, palm
down, and the commotion subsided. With a steady voice he analyzed the
several subjects under animated discussion, made decisions, and,
looking around the table, quickly achieved a consensus. I thought
about his ability to do this, and remembered the Executive VP at my
previous Company, Max Shapiro, who possessed similar ability. Was it
the name? Could something as simple as a name define a person's
charisma? There had to be something in the Makeup of his personality
-- a Max Factor. (Bob Dvorak)
Fungi. The life of the party.
OTHER HUMOR
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
"It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old,"
the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said
she'd be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't
quite understand it." "Well," said his friend, "you have to remember
that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one
to ask." "No, I don't think it's that." "Well, maybe you remind her of
her father." "No, it's not that either. It's just that she also
mentioned something about carbon 14."
The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be
"There Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in
yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven." (Richard Lederer)
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the
bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. "Sure thing, son." replied the
bellboy. "How dare you call me son!!" exclaimed the outraged man.
"Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?"
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.
She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening toolsI
Poor Labeling: Never remove food or other items from the blades while
the product is operating -- on an electric hand blender
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