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PUNS OF THE DAY 09-25-09
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PUNS OF THE DAY 09-25-09
PUNS
'Fore the flu gets to you and you're sneezin'
Blow vaccine up your schnozzle, the reason?
However it goes
You will pay through the nose
Let us spray we avoid flu this season
(Gary Hallock)
Obstetrician: a person who specializes in labor
management
During a hike with my friend, I noticed a black bird
roosting in a
nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the
difference a crow and a
raven," I said "You have to count the pinion
feathers on the wings,"
my companion explained. "If there are four, it's a
crow. If it is
five, its a raven." Really? I said, although I knew
he didn't have a
clue what he was talking about. "Oh yes,"he
replied, "it's just a
matter of a pinion."
One of the Tampa Bay football players who had sculled in
college
organized a rowing team composed of his most muscular
team mates.
While practicing one day one of the players joked that
they were so
fast that they should be able to tow a water skier. The
tried it and
discovered that not only could they pull a skier they
could pull
several. In the off season they appeared at Cypress
Gardens where the
act was billed as skiers and Row Bucs.
The guy who does autopsies on blackbirds: The end-o-crow
knowledgist.
(Gary Hallock)
An American astronaut has an emergency during his
re-entry into
earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in
the Australian
bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems
like an
eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic,
dirty, with foul
smells and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a
very large,
somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay
in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep
sense of resignation and
fear. "No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You
came here yesterdiaay.
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one
night
celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated,
and then Friar
Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink.
Robin Hood,
fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the
band, dragged
the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into
the river, but
the song lingered on. The moral of the story? You can
lead a drunk to
water but you can't make him hoarse.
OTHER HUMOR
Antecedent: My mother's sister noticed I had damaged her
car. (Lars
Hanson)
"I suppose I'll have to write my name again."
said Tom resignedly.
Math Conversions: 2.4 statute miles of intravenous
surgical tubing at
Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
We were new in town and met our daughter's teachers for
the first time
at the school's open house. The science teacher, with a
twinkle in her
eye, asked me, "Are you a minister?" "Yes,"
I replied. "Why do you
ask?" "It was just a feeling I had after
reading one of your
daughter's homework assignments," she said, handing
me the corrected
paper. Next to the item "Define the Great
Divide," my daughter had
written "When Moses parted the Red Sea."
Don't buy a fifth on the third for the Fourth because he
who drives
with a fifth on the Fourth may never drive forth on the
fifth.
Afterbirth: The years before starting school
The NCAA football game was tied at the end of regulation,
but the
opposition scored a field goal on their first possession
and went
ahead. The home team put the ball inside the 10 on the
first play and
the quarterback called timeout to make sure that he and
the coaching
staff were on the same page. At the sideline he said. I
think we have
a full set of downs, how many do we have? I want to
throw into the end
zone but will kick a feld goal to tie if we have not
scored by the
last down. Is that correct. The coach nodded and
comfirmed the plan by
repeating the strategy in a way that sounded like a
familiar phrase.
What did the coach say in just 6 words?
Four. Give Us Our Three Passes. (Gary Reeves )
EASL: "I usually worm up my food before I eat it."
Poor Labeling: This product moves when used -- from a
child's scooter .
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be
along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic,
and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people
The Gay Guy and the Black Guy
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job." | |
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