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ADULT PUNS 08-19-09
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ADULT PUNS 08-19-09
I remember when 'Palm Pilot' was just a nickname you received upon
entering puberty. (Dennis Miller)
Two women are talking while at a table drinking coffee: "Carl moved to
San Francisco, Brad's in Chicago and Biff went to Florida." "Gee,
Marge. I don't know how you can keep all your ex-husbands straight!"
"I couldn't. That's why Carl moved to San Francisco." (Chris Cassett
and Gary Brookins)
He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way." She said, "Well, you succeeded."
Do you remember when Drive-ins had young chicks on roller skates who
wheeled up to your car window to take your order? Back in '55 I pulled
in to one those and when the little lady came to my window to ask for
my order I said, "I want a sheepherder sandwich." She said, "That's
not on the menu, what is it?" Confidently I replied, "A piece of ewe."
The bitch slapped me.
Recession Tip: An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator.
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th
anniversary. "HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be
the day you can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her
skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward. "There! I
have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your
chest!" he roars back. "Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before
we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your
treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....AND IF YOU
DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT....IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Country Song: While I was out gettin' hammered she was home gettin'
nailed.
On the last day of her English class, my cousin Marilyn, a professor,
was reviewing the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension.
It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral
exam." she explained to her students. After the class, one of her male
students, a real hunk, realizing that he needs to do well on the final
exam, or he won't graduate approached Marilyn in her office.
"Professor," he says in a sexy husky voice, "I don't think I'm going
to pass the class and I was hoping there was some way you could maybe
help me out." Well one thing led to another and it wasn't long before
they were making love, humping away on the office desk. Afterward, the
lad asks "How's my comprehension?" "So far so good," my cousin,
Marilyn says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon." "Why
tomorrow?", our enlightened stud asks. "Tomorrow," my cousin, the
professor says "you're required to perform the oral part of the exam."
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore. He was sent to an
upstairs room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to
the brink of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt. The
whole session lasted less than five minutes. The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained. The girl
looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully. "Your
face looks familiar."
A boy who was the product of artificial insemination grew up to be
completely unmanageable. The moral: Spare the rod and spoil the child.
(Richard Lederer)
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had
lost his boat, his livelihood, and his possessions. He was trudging
around the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass
lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the
role of magic lamps) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared - a Jewish
one. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years
I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you, my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes!
Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta
think about my margins," the genie said. "Well," said the Jamaican
after some consideration, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by
women." "No problem," said the Genie. POOF! The Jamaican was
transformed into a tampon. Moral: Never do business with a Jewish
Genie-there's always a string attached.
Crane Operators have swinging balls.
A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning
before breakfast. They were really into it, even performing oral sex
on each other. I'm still trying to understand just why the husband
went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after
breakfast.
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1907 PHOTO
A man of few words
A new sport for Obama fans.....
Afterburner on!!!
AIDS vs Swine Flu
Beautiful Horses
Bo Bice - Stand By Me
Byteme
Can't win for LOOSIN
Condoms
Cost effective
Divorce toast
Obama Tee Shirt
Obama Perfect Storm
Obama Dad
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