ADULT PUNS 08-13-09
I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard at the bar
today? Our mailman
claims to have made love to every woman in our condo
except one." And
she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis in
number 23."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it
was okay to
have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during
the first
trimester they could do it normal-style, during the
second trimester
they should do it dog-style and during the third
trimester they were
limited to wolf-style. "Wolf-style?" queried
the husband. "What's
that?" "You lie next to the hole and howl,"
replied the doctor.
Part of me wants to tell my friends about how I had sex
all night long
last night. The other part, however, thinks it
might be better if I
just summed it up as "Prison sucks."
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one
of his friends
says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have
sex?" The big guy
says, "I just sit there naked on a chair, she
sits on top, and I bob
her up and down." His friend says, "You know,
that don't sound too
bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of
like jerking off,only I
got somebody to talk to."
Confucius says: Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
A reform congregation in New York decides to honor its
Rabbi for his
years of service and upon his retirement, they send him
to Hawaii for
a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel
room, there's
a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says,
"Hi, Rabbi, I'm a
little something extra that the president of the board
arranged for
you! The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls
the President
of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were
you thinking,
where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our
community! I am
very, very angry with you. You have not heard the end of
this!". The
girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns
to her and
says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
Man to woman: "Let's get something straight between
us." (Richard
Lederer)
One summer, a few years ago, a middle age
French-Canadian man named
Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While
soaking up
some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye
and his
sexual desires. He immediately got up, ran to her,
grabbed her by the
hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex
with her and
then sent the young lady on her way. She immediately
reported this to
the police and Jacques was arrested. On his court date
the judge asked
him if he understood the nature of the crime he
committed against the
young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a
bewildered look and
said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you
grab de pretty
girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to
her den let
her go! Hit's O. K.!!!" "Sir", the judge
said, in THIS country if you
are to have sex with a lady, you must have her
permission first, or it
is considered rape. You must have her consent!"
After hearing this,
Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the
judge and
exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi
got her cunscent on
my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent
everywhere!!!
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a
bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He
replied, "No, just having a
shit."
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records
department stopped
by my hospital room to get information for his birth
certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked. When I
told her, she said, "Do
you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months
before your son's
birth?" "No, I hadn't thought about it,"
I responded, "but now that
you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who
turned two a
couple of days before the same date." After she
finished taking down
all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe
you should start
buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
Cartoonists do it with animation
After the first week of sex education class, a young
shapely teen
stormed out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a
female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Judi,
what in the world
is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to
kill someone."
"I am!!!" Judi fumed. "You just wait
until I catch up with that
Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced
that 'foreplay'
was tossing a coin for position."
Women don't make sense. When we got married, my wife
said, "Now
everything we each own is ‘ours’." I
guess she forgot about that
little concept this afternoon when she caught me wearing
her panties.
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