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ADULT PUNS 08-03-09
This young couple have been trying to have a baby. After
six months
they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having
any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?"
the physician asks
Frank, the husband. "What's 'ejaculate'?" asks
Frank. "Well, uh,
that's when you climax and semen is emitted,"
explained the doctor
patiently. The young man looks puzzled for a few moments
then asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little
honey says it's
icky... so I shoot it onto the floor."
Joey Chestnut won the Nathan's Fourth of July hot dog
eating contest
with a record 68 in ten minutes. The guy couldn't help a
comedy writer
and down one more? But, to be fair, it takes two to eat
69. (Alex
Kaseberg)
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some
distance from town,
doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance
from town.
Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped
the boy. "I
really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm
actually a hooker
and I charge $50 for sex," she said. The boy just
looked at her for a
couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and
they did their
thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the
driver's seat
looking out the window. "Why aren't we going
anywhere?" asked the
girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before,
but I'm actually a
taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55."
Life doesn't need Viagra.... it's hard as hell already.
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon,
the waitress
came over to take his order. "... and to
drink?" she asked. The man
said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly
returned with a cup
of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she
stopped at the
table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's
OK," the man said, as the
waitress was sopping up the puddle on his crotch with a
towel, his
penis was getting aroused. "But tell me, is this
regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied, as she kept rubbing
his obvious erection. "Oh
great... now this thing is going to be up all
night!" .
The two Dallas women opened a rabbit farm. It was the
best little
harehouse in Texas. (Richard Lederer)
I was looking at the display case at Kay's Jewelers when
the
salesperson came over and said, "You know, every
kiss begins with
Kay." So I looked up and said, "You know what
else, every piss begins
with pee." That really pissed HER off. (Rich Orwell)
The Daily Camera said in its annual "Best of
Boulder" issue that the
best place in Boulder (CO) to meet a Significant Other
is at the
supermarket. I'm not sure their advice would work. I
went to the
frozen food aisle, but all the women there were frigid.
The produce
section had dates only for fruits and vegetables. See
the butcher only
if you just want a piece of meat. You'll only have good,
clean fun in
the soap aisle. But if you go to the bakery section, you
will see some
nice buns.
Pornography: Clitertature.
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is
harmful. "Not
usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you
do it too often." "How
about three times a day?" the patient asked. "That
seems a little
excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a
girlfriend," the patient replied. "I mean a
girl you can live with and
have sex with?" asked the doctor. The patient said,
"I've got one just
like that!" So the doctor asked, "Then why do
you masturbate three
times a day?" "Because... she won't have sex
during mealtimes!"
Breaststrokers have better hip action
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is
harmful. "Not
usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you
do it too often." "How
about three times a day?" the patient asked. "That
seems a little
excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a
girlfriend," the patient replied. "I mean a
girl you can live with and
have sex with?" asked the doctor. The patient said,
"I've got one just
like that!" So the doctor asked, "Then why do
you masturbate three
times a day?" "Because... she won't have sex
during mealtimes!"
A man was talking to a woman in a bar. "I have a 10
inch cock," he
boasted. "Well," she answered, "I find
that hard to swallow."
One mom was complaining about having to go to the
athletic store to
buy an athletic cup for her young son, who was ten years
old and just
starting the *soccer* league. She said, "The man
asked me what size of
an athletic cup I needed." "I shrugged and
held my thumb and index
finger about an inch apart and said, 'he's about this
big.'" The man
behind the counter said, No, ma'am, what's his *waist*
size?'"
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