PUNS OF THE DAY 07-28-09
PUNS
Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss
fund? Or is
that stretching it a bit.
Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to
spend money
for food. He looked forward to the day when his
grandfather would die
and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he
left Roger
was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune
but couldn't
find it because it had disappeared into thin heir
Logarithm: A very heavy baton:
Did you hear about the mining company executive who was
famous for
personally going down into the mines to settle labor
differences? He
took great relish (don't know, though, if it was sweet
or kosher...)
in that part of his job and often was heard singing on
the elevator as
it lowered him down through the strata of rock,
"Gonna take a
sedimental journey, gonna set my mine at ease." (By
Chris Cole)
The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher.
The father liked
to inspect every new thing that came into the house, so
he stayed in
the kitchen and watched the display count down all
forty-four minutes
of the dishwashing cycle. Suddenly he called out for his
wife,
shouting, "It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!"
The wife was
amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after
only one use,
but he insisted that because they had a water softener,
the dishwasher
was useless. She decided to look for herself, and there
it was, on the
inside door, next to the detergent dispenser: USE LESS
WITH SOFT WATER
(Bobby L. Russ)
A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe
Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe
without knowing the
combination; in Georgia it's an AIDS-free girl on the
pill.
The origami convention was cancelled when the
organization folded.
(Gary Hallock)
Once upon a time an unhappy mouse went to see a tree
guru in Brooklyn.
"I am tired of being a mouse," he said.
"I understand that you could
make me into a gnome." "That's true,"
said the guru. "I just happen to
have the necessary leaven to make the change. Come into
my leaven room
and I'll fix you up." The mouse was a little
alarmed when he saw the
guru pick up a shovel. "Oh don't worry," said
the guru reassuringly.
"As Edgar, a guest, observed, 'It takes a
heap of leaven of make a
mouse a gnome!'"
OTHER HUMOR
The third grade was being given a course in first aid.
The question
was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger
sibling who
swallowed a house key?" After a pause, one of the
students answered,
"I'd climb through the window!"
She was so dumb that she wore a bikini her first day in
the car pool.
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished,
when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt
of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the
distance. The little
old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
she's there.
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
"You say
you're here," he inquired, "because your
family is worried about your
taste in socks?" "That's correct,"
muttered the patient. "I like
wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal,"
replied the doctor. "Many
people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or
acrylic. In
fact, I myself like wool socks." "You
DO?" exclaimed the man. "With
oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
Dissent: DISSENT of her perfume drives him mad. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed
Lutheran Church.
When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In
order to do so,
I had to attend classes. At the first
session, the minister
conducting the class said, "What must we do before
we can expect
forgiveness from God?" I replied, perhaps too
quickly,
"Sin?" (Carol's Humor)
Confucius Says, "Man fall in vat of molten glass
make spectacle of
self."
"You two-faced cheater! You low-life!" she
screamed at Maury. "You've
been seeing that other woman, and I'm going back to my
mother!" "If
you're going back to your mother," retorted Maury,
"then I'm going
home to my wife!"
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