The difference between the north and south 


The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained.... 




The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General . 

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses . 

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions. 

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's 

The North has double last names; the South has double first names. 

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races . 

North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits. 

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens . 

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish . 

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt . 

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .... 

In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store. 

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive. 

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?' 

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. 

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. 

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper . 

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here. 

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. 

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. 

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. 

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. 

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits. 

This is a transcript of an actual cyber sex session. As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cyber -sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.

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Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling..

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark; I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. 

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. 

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. 

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. 

St. Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here" .

This one is a little different watching because of where it is located, you could right click on the link and save target as or you can just oprn the attachment that I'm sending I saved it and it really is quite beautiful, I even like the music that goes along with the show, just proves with a little digging there id no telling what you might uncover...

Southern women appreciate their natural assets: 

Clean skin.

A winning smile.

That unforgettable Southern drawl.



Southern women know their manners:

"Yes, ma'am."

"Yes, sir."

"Why, no, Billy!" 



Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions : 

"Y'all come back!"

"Well, bless your heart."

"Drop by when you can."

"How's your Momma?" 

Southern women know their summer weather report: 

Humidity

Humidity

Humidity



Southern women know their vacation spots: 

The beach

The rivuh

The crick



Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals 

Strapless sun dresses

Iced sweet tea with mint



Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey

Darlin'

Shugah



Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes

Driving Miss Daisy

Steel Magnolias

Gone With The Wind



Southern women know their religions: 

Baptist

Methodist

Football



Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Red-eye gravy

Grits 

Eggs

Country ham

Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly



Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn 

S'vanah

Foat Wuth

N'awlins

Addlanna



Southern women know their elegant gentlemen: 

Men in uniform

Men in tuxedos

Rhett Butler



Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall

The Country Club

The Beauty Salon



Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails

Having bad manners

Cooking bad food



More Suthen-ism's: 

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." 

_____



Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." 

_____



Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

_____



Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table... 

_____



All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

_____



Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! 

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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece.." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20

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Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. 

_____



No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

_____



A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____



Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ...... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody! 

_____



Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

_____



In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

_____



Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

_____



Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. 

_____



When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

_____



Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. 

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And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernneese as a second language! 

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And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could." 





Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !



Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little pea picken heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.