PUNS OF THE DAY 06-25-09
*** I will be taking a vacation from June 26 thru July
2. ***
*** Puns of the Day will not be posted between those
dates. ***
PUNS
There's a baker who works with some dough
Who is asked if she's willing to show
The ingredients of
A dessert that we love.
She will tell on the grounds: knead to know.
(Kirk Miller)
A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.
A university veterinary school applied and received a
grant to study
the digestive process in cattle as a model for learning
more about
human digestion. A unique aspect of the project was the
implantation
of plexiglass windows on both sides of the animals so
the process
could be viewed and studied more readily. Once the
experiments were
under way, the researchers noticed that the viewing
ports on all of
the cattle were becoming cloudy except for the ones on
the animal
nearest the window. They couldn't understand the
phenomena until
someone pointed out the the glass is always cleaner on
the sunny side
of the meat. (By Bob Levi)
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
I once had a miniature parrot-like bird as a pet. I gave
this dwarf
critter an appropriate name that sounds very much like a
seafood dish
one might order for lunch. What did I call the
diminutive fowl?
Shrimp Cockatiel (Gary Hallock)
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks
roll down the
mountain across our fields, making endless little
rivulets. My wife
spend much of the year working on the borders of these
streams,
working hard to keep the borders clear and clean. If
there is anything
she likes, it is to weed a good brook.
A genetic engineer was cloning goats. When asked if the
process was
expensive, he said, "They don't come sheep."
Two steam locomotives were heading straight towards each
other on the
same track. One of the trains was loaded with waistcoats
(vests) and
the other with loaves of fresh bread (still rising)
destined for the
market. They both arrived at their destinations right on
schedule. How
was this possible. Because, "vest is vest and yeast
is yeast and never
the trains shall meet."
A sign on top of a San Francisco drug store across the
street from the
Trans Bay bus terminal: "Terminal Drugs."
A study says that antilock brakes killed more people
than they saved
in 1966, and that they are almost as ineffective as
those developed in
Scotland a few years ago, The Anti-Loch Ness Monster
Brakes"
OTHER HUMOR
"The first three forks, go to the left," Tom
said forthrightly.
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing
on giving new
life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about
his most
memorable client. "It was a divorced woman who had
me make a pair of
earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he
remembered. "One earring
read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I asked
why she had
wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me
that the next
time anyone says that to me, I should let it go in one
ear and out the
other.'"
Current: Boarding fee at the kennel
Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it
out.
Beware of Quantam Ducks! Quark! Quark! Quark!
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of
pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
at an infinite
number of highway signs, they will eventually produce
all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
What famous singer from the 50s was born on a volcano?
Eddie Fissure
(Alex Ramirez)
Bombs don't kill people ... explosions kill people.
*** I will be taking a vacation from June 26 thru
July 2. ***
*** Adult Puns will not be posted between those dates.
***
ADULT PUNS 06-25-09
Chastity belt: A labor-saving device.
Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a
cup of blood.
The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first
one asks,"How
come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second
one pulls out a used
tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!
Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate.
A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The
genie popped
out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and
thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be
hard all the time
and get all the ass I want." "As you wish,"
the genie replied. So, the
genie turned him into a toilet seat.
An Australian kiss is the same as a French kiss, but
"down under."
A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on
trial for
paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?"
asks the judge, to
the defendant. "Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of
the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can
you possibly
convince the court of your innocence, if we have both
the sex act,
plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute
right here on
tape?" "Easy," says the defendant, "I'll
admit to the court that
although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I
was committing
another 'heinous' crime ... gambling." "Gambling?"
responds the
prosecutor. "How so?" "Well you see,"
answers the defendant, "I went
up to the young lady earlier that night as she was
working in a
topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you
don't get to
have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just
footage of me losing
the bet!"
There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri
Weekly, Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.
When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he
would have to cut
back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he
knew he would
have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find
out which ones
performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just
those few. Night
after night the "contest" was held. Then one
of the younger girls
performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she
was one of the
chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the
secret of your fabulous
technique." "What I did, Oh Sovereign of the
Sands, was to suck on ice
cubes prior to our session." replied the girl.
"You see, my Mother
told me that in most cases, the cooler head always
prevails."
The nicest thing about a nudist wedding is you don't
have to ask. You
can see who the best man is.
A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk,
"Do you have
any batteries?" "Yes," The clerk gestures
with his finger, "can you
come this way?" "If I could come that
way," the woman answered, "I
wouldn't need the batteries."
It used to bother me when people called me a pussy. But
the joke's on
them -- after all, you are what you eat!
A little boy comes home from school and asks his mommy,
"Where do
babies come from?" Not wanting to get into the
discussion of sex at
such an early age in his life, she replies, "From
the stork, of
course!" The little guy thinks for a few seconds
and then asks, "But
mom, who screws the stork?"
Confucius Says, "Blind man lose track of
wife in fish market."
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for
under-endowed women has encouraged
the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed
women. It's
called the "Sheep Dog Bra." It rounds them up
and points them in the
right direction.
Tornadoes and marriage are very much alike. They both
begin with a lot
of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your
house.
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench
when a flasher
came strolling by. He stood right in front of them, and
opened his
trench coat. The first lady had a stroke. Then the
second lady also
had a stroke. The third lady would have had a stroke but
she had
arthritis and couldn't reach that far.
Bodybuilders pump it up
A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought
home from
college. "I realize it's only a formality,"
the young man said, "but I
want to ask for your daughter's hand." "And
where did you get the idea
that this is just a formality?" the father asked.
The boyfriend
replied, "From our Lamaze instructor."
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