JUST IN ... 

Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan. The President, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal, which is named.... 

"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this... 

Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts. 
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party. 
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies. 
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair. 
Remember you heard it here first... 

Liberal vs Conservative "Debate" On Terrorism

Question: 
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small 
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes 
around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In 
your pocket is a handgun and you are an expert shot. You have mere 
seconds before he reaches you and your family. 
What do you do?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Liberal Answer: 
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? 
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 
Could we run away? 
What does my wife think? 
What about the kids? 
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of 
his hand? 
What does the law say about this situation?
What kind of gun is it? 
Does it have a safety device built into it? 
Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send 
to society? 
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? 
Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound 
me? 
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while 
he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a 
few days to try to come to a conclusion.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 
thud, clatter, swish, thud (reloading noises )
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving ---
BANG! BANG!
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." --- 
BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the silver tip hallow point ++P custom loads?"